Northumberland and Wales
Feeling a little unsettled due to ‘Tinks’ screaming at me as I drive out of York, I try to relax into the drive. Turning the music up loud has always been a great distraction when the van makes scary noises. Probably, most likely, not the most ‘grown up’ or ‘responsible’ reaction but it’s the action I choose to take in that moment. This is an easy drive compared to the drive to York, under 3 hours, I know my destination is Northumberland and I don’t have to go anywhere near the M62! Happy days. Again, that knowing where I’m going is a real comfort. I may not know where I’m parking for the night but I do know the county I’m headed for.
I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s worth mentioning again, we humans like to know where we’re going hey? I think that’s why clairvoyants do so well. We want to know where we’re going and that when we get there it’s all going to be O.K. Ideally most of us would also like to know what will happen on route, so that we can be prepared. I ponder on what this is about whilst driving. Ultimately, it’s coming from a place of fear, I learnt during therapy training that we humans are drawn to the familiar. It doesn’t matter if that familiar is good or bad for us, we are drawn towards it like moths to the light. If we, as humans are drawn to the familiar, surely, we need to make the unfamiliar, familiar. The uncomfortable, comfortable.
Take this road trip for example. Do you remember blog 1? When I was about to spend my first night wild camping in the van, on the beach, how nervous I felt, maybe a level 8/9 on a scale of 1 to 10? Now, having stayed in the van in random places for a while, that unease has shifted more towards a level 2/3. I’ve been doing this every day for 3 weeks, It’s become familiar to park up and stay somewhere overnight in the van on my own with Izzy 4 paws. Being uncomfortable with that is now comfortable. I do have a choice to an extent too. If I allow my mind to focus on the fact that I don’t know where I’m parking, then I’ll end up staying in the fear bubble. I will literally be focusing on the thing that frightens me and my entire body will react to that. My internal response system doesn’t know the difference between reality and imagination. What my mind focuses on my body responds to. Focusing on the things that frighten me, is like spending the day watching a horror movie and wondering why I’m feeling nervous and full of angst. If I change the channel, if I switch it and focus on the fact that by night fall I’ll have found a place to park and will have all I need right here with me then my internal reactions are very different. Instead of them responding with the angst and nerves they respond calmly and my physical body relaxes. Focusing on what we don’t know invokes fear, focusing on what we do know brings us calm. I invite you to try it for yourself. Choose the channel in your mind that will invoke a fear reaction then change it to one that invokes a calm reaction. A simple example of this would be for you to think about something that’s been worrying you lately. Nothing huge just a small worry, something you don’t know the outcome of, like; I’ve got to make a call tomorrow and I don’t know how it will go or my cars going in for it’s M.O.T and it might not pass. Something semi small and just notice how your body reacts. Shake it off, really, physically shake your body to shake it off, then change the channel of your thought and think of something you will be doing this week that you know how to do. It could be as simple as; I’m doing the washing up later or I’m off to visit good friends, notice the reaction in your body between the 2 channels, between the 2 focuses. Switch between them a few times and notice any subtle differences that may occur to your internal and external reaction. Does 1 feel calmer than the other. Choosing what our minds focus on can, quite literally, help change our lives for the better.
Driving into the county of Northumberland my feelings are curiously paradoxical. I feel like I’m a long way from home yet feel completely at home. I guess logistically I am, this is the furthest North I’ve been. I’m an 8 ½ hour drive away and that’s if I don’t stop. I feel nervous and calm at the same time. The air feels crispy fresh here as if by simply inhaling the cells of mu being are I’ve arrived without the van doing another horror movie sounding scream session. My mind begins to wonder about where we’re parking up. I really want to do some walking. Izzy isn’t much bothered by long walks these days and I feel the need to go on a good stomp. Earlier this morning, before setting off, I’d put a shout out on a Facebook group that I was planning to head here and asked if anyone had any recommendations of places to stay (off grid). I check the responses and 1 looks particularly attractive. It looks like there’s water. some water. I check out the location, ‘We’re only 15 minutes away from this Izz shall we check it out?’ Izzy is still in recovery from her farm experience and barely opens her eyes to acknowledge we’re somewhere new. ‘There’s water Izz, would you like to go swimming?’ Upon hearing the word swimming, Izzy is awake, her nose poking directly out of the window whilst I look up whether it’s safe to wild swim there. I can’t be that close to the water and not be able to get in. There are mixed reviews. ‘Well, let’s give it a go Izz’. I can’t resist using the word swim again so add ‘Worst case scenario you’ll get a swim’ her tail wags ferociously which always makes me smile. Arriving at Cawfields Quarry, I just know that we’ll like it here. Do you ever get that feeling? Everything in you is settled and calm, I love that feeling. The buildings to the services look new and there’s only 1 other vehicle parked up. I can’t believe it’s so quiet. Izzy darts out of the van the second the door is opened and skips her way across the vibrant green grass towards the water. I love seeing her so happy. This journey, this adventure of living fully in the ‘I don’t know’ of life can be incredibly challenging and tiring yet so rewarding when fully embraced. One of the absolute joys this is bringing, is consistently being surprised by how absolutely beautiful the U.K is. I do find, the challenging experiences bring me the greatest rewards. I also wish sometimes that it wasn’t that way but that’s my life experience so far (I think, I shall ponder on this some more to be sure). Doing this trip with zero expectations has certainly helped me to ward off disappointment. This place is beautiful, it’s another hot day and I can hear the water calling my name. I head quickly to the parking meter, it’s £10 for 24 hours and the toilets are open 24 hours a day. What a treat!
As is now our normal routine, we head off to sniff out the surrounding area. We follow a path along the side of the quarry and find ourselves alongside a part of Hadrians Wall. What an absolute dream. I will get my good stomp done along a part of Hadrians wall. I won’t ruin Izzy’s jolly mood by telling her about tomorrow’s hike. She can just face it when it happens. No point worrying about tomorrow when today is a good day.
Heading back to the quarry, a quick scan and I deem it safe enough to attempt a swim, I decide now is a good time to try it out while there are people around. There’s a family with 2 children nearby;
‘We came here to let them swim but I’m not sure’ says the Mum to who appears to be the Gran, Grandad and Dad. I look over, there’s 2 children sized wetsuits on the ground, the grandad and children are going back and forth to the car unpacking and setting up camp chairs and picnic hampers. ‘Please be kind to the children Izzy and that picnic is not for you’ I say very quietly. I overhear the children begging to be allowed in the water. ‘I don’t know’ says the Mum. ‘You said we could swim, how about we just go in to our knees’. I can see the Mum struggling to make a decision. I turn toward the family and say ‘How about you wait to see if I make it out alive before you make a decision, I’m just about to try it out’. The entire family look around, the Grandad speaks with a beaming smile ‘You’re going swimming in there, it’ll be freezing, are you serious?’ Laughingly I say ‘Well I hope I’m going to be swimming in there, I’ve read that people have wild swam here so I’m going to give it a go’. The Dad joins in, lightly laughing ‘Wait up kids, let’s see if this lady comes out alive first’.
Meanwhile Izzy is over this ummng and arring and is merrily swimming around waving her propeller tail. The family smile and laugh as they watch her. ‘That’s 1 happy dog you’ve got there, it’s certainly safe for her, look at her tail wagging’. Changing into my suit I apprehensively take tentative steps into the quarry. I don’t know if it’s a gradual incline or about to drop into an abyss. ‘Am I totally insane? Am I really doing this? You know you are Lisa so just go easy and take a gentle step at a time’. I’ve noticed that fear-based Lisa isn’t quite as loud as she was at the beginning of the trip. She seems to be getting used to me counter -acting her with mindful Lisa. The consistent action of getting into the water, no matter where, no matter how many people are around and having a dip is helping too. The more I practice the easier it’s getting. (Odd that!) The water cools my hot skin, the temperature is just perfect. I get to the part where my feet are lifting off the floor out of my depth and dive in soaking my hair and face. I instantly relax. I love the feeling of being under water. The weightlessness and silence. I’ve taken my goggles with me so that I can check out what’s underneath and decide I’d rather not know. I want to enjoy the feeling of the water.
‘Lock ness monster hasn’t grabbed you yet’ shouts the Dad of the 2 kids who are now hastily putting on their wetsuits. ‘Don’t say that’. I reply laughing, but it’s immediately placed an image of a monster living under the water into my mind. The nerves that are lying just beneath my relaxed surface have been triggered. I’m scared. My heart beats faster, I’m moving faster through the water. Mindful Lisa comes along at speed ‘Breathe, there is no such thing as monsters’ ‘Maybe not but I’ve no idea what is beneath the water’. ‘You’ve got goggles, put them on and have a look, put your mind at rest’. ‘It might make it worse’. I put them on and take a look underneath, it’s dark, I can’t see a thing, I don’t know what’s under here. I don’t like that I can’t see and at the same time I don’t want to know what’s under here either. Mindful Lisa appears ‘Slow down Lis, slow your physical movements down’ I tread water, I can’t feel the bottom and feel slightly relieved about this, I breathe a slow breath. ‘It’s O.K Lis, you’re safe, until that guy put an image of a monster in your imagination you were swimming along fine’. I remember how it feels to swim in the sea (my favourite place) I connect with the feel of the sun on my skin, I take in the scenery around me, it’s truly beautiful with the dramatic quarry rock, Hadrians wall behind it. I take in the sounds of the children laughing as they change into their wetsuits and watch Izzy swimming happily around. I feel my insides calming. I enjoy the water but am not fully relaxed. The children begin to make their way in as I exit. Izzy has no intentions of getting out and sets off for another waggy tailed lap. It feels so good to have swam. I spend the remainder of the day chatting with the family, reading my book, swimming with Izzy and cook a dinner of pasta, tuna and pesto. Easy. Tomorrow we will awaken early and walk!
Setting off along Hadrian’s Wall at 6.30am is peacefully stunning. I pass just 1 other person and am surrounded by wide open space. I feel truly blessed to have this experience. Izzy on the other hand is not so appreciative. She is letting me know by doing her usual dragging of her paws that this is far too early, she would much rather be sleeping. We walk for perhaps an entire hour before passing anyone other than a horse, we of course have to stop for a photo session. I spot water way on in the distance and decide that that’s where we’re heading. It will please Izzy to be able to swim and then we can turn back. 3 hours of cajoling Izzy along we find the water and end up sharing a very shallow swim with 3 cows!
We enjoy a 6 hour walk (well I enjoyed it) and spend the remainder of the day catching up with work. I absolutely love the time I spend thinking about my clients. Thinking and researching how best to help them. Some people come to me as they want to offload to somebody who understands and is able to hold the space safely for them whilst they do so. Others want me to take their stuff for a while and hold onto it whilst we sort through it. A little like having a wardrobe clear out. Keeping the bits they want, exchanging some outgrown pieces and letting go of the pieces that aren’t of use to us anymore. Izzy ensures I take breaks to throw stones into the water for her often.
I awake the following day and on opening the door I’m met with a site I definitely didn’t expect to see. There is a shield, a coat of arms and a sword laid on the ground in front of my door. ‘mmmm this a good one for my blog friends’ is the first thing that goes through my head as I smile at the scene before me. A guy appears dressed in, well, actually, just take a look at the photo, I told him about the blog and he allowed me to take a photo. After all, who is really going to believe that I awoke to a Roman soldier outside my van unless I take photographic evidence to prove it. ‘You don’t see this every day’ are the first words out of my mouth. ‘We’re here most days, we do a history tour of the wall and the surrounding area’. ‘Your clothing choice makes sense now’ I reply as I realise, I had been thinking in the back of my head that this may be a re-enactment and lots more soldiers were about to appear. Slightly disappointed but amused by my own thoughts we begin chatting. Turns out he used to work in St Mawes Cornwall and his words about living in Cornwall were: ‘It felt like home yet a really long way from home’
‘Ha That’s exactly how I feel about being here’. We chat for longer, he heads off on his tour and I spend the day writing the blog with a feeling that’s niggling away. I’m starting to feel ready for home, I’ve only been gone for 3 weeks but it feels like 3 months. I’m ready for some home comforts. My mind drifts to a couple of days’ time when a friend of mine has said she’s coming to join me with her Jack Russel and her newly kitted out van for a few days or more. Kelly is my polar opposite. She worries about every little thing and needs to plan every minute detail of every little thing. How she copes with being friends with someone of my personality is beyond me. You may remember I mentioned Kelly in a previous blog, the other Tenerife house mate to Janet and I. Kelly knew how to party and I mean party in it’s loudest expression. It’s thanks to Kelly that I ended up living with her and Janet. You would never know she was a party girl if you met her today. She is now a respectable teacher, living in her semi in Manchester, married to a lovely man. She is the most incredibly supportive and encouraging friend anyone could ask for. Back when we met 20 plus years ago, she taught me the true meaning of friendship. We have experienced all of life’s up and downs together and when things get tough, which inevitably they do in this life, we get each other through and always respect each others differing opinion. So, long and short of it is, Kelly and I are meeting up, this means we need to blend her need for organisation with my need for going with the flow and see where we land. For now, I just need to let her know which county Izzy and I will be in. Mmmmm where do you fancy next Izz, Scotland, the Lakes, or somewhere else?
NB; Next weeks blog will conclude this TMS adventure, Lisa?