Depression and heaven
I’m being pulled under. Who is that? Somebodies pulling me down towards the ocean bed. I feel like I’ve been sinking for miles. Hanging on to the tiny amount of breath that’s left in my lungs, I look down. Cheryl! My flat mate is smiling as she hangs from my ankles, continuing to tug. I’m going to die if she doesn’t let go soon. Looking up towards the surface of the water I see the face of a bearded old man. I don’t recognise him but I feel like I know him somehow. telepathically I hear him say ‘To survive you must let her go, you can’t bring her with you’.
‘I can’t leave her’. ‘Then you will drown.’ His voice is neither kind or unkind. It’s simply matter of fact. I know that what he’s saying is true. Looking down once more, I see that she’s happy, like this is some kind of fun game for her. This is not fun for me. I raise my arms straight up above my head, focusing my gaze on the old man. I choose to breathe again and as could only ever happen in a dream, begin to rise, effortlessly to the top of the water. Surfacing with mouth wide open, ready to breath in my first desperate gulp of air. After some deep fulfilling breaths, I notice the surroundings. There’s a wide, heavy gold bridge arching over the sea, out of the structure protrudes a real life golden lion, roaring. There’s fire all around. I have a sense that I must move quickly. The mans face floats over the bridge and I know I have to follow. Suddenly I find myself at one end of the bridge. Running to catch up with the face, I realise the bridge ends in mid-air. Telepathically the old man whispers clearly in my mind ‘Jump Lisa!’ Teetering on the edge, swaying forwards and backwards, I’m frightened ‘I can’t see where I’m going to land!’. ‘Have faith Lisa, jump!’ I jump and as I do I awake with a jolt.
The thick curtains make sure it’s dark all times of day. It’s a single bedroom positioned right next to the front door of our 2 bedroom flat. It’s early, the flats quiet, Cheryl will still be asleep. She was cooking on the late shift last night. I’ve been here, in bed, since Jon left yesterday. Haven’t made a cup of tea or eaten. I can’t be bothered. Even rolling over in bed is too much effort, I’d rather suffer the aches of lying in one position for too long than muster the energy to roll over. ‘Wonder what the time is? What’s that sound?’ Tuning in, I locate it to outside my front door. It’s the sound of somebody playing the guitar. It’s beautiful. Not a song as such, more like finger picking the strings. It’s really gentle and soft. ‘Have I completely lost my mind? Why would somebody be outside playing guitar at 7.30 in the morning?’ I lie in bed listening. I begin to cry. I don’t even know why I’m crying. After perhaps 20 minutes, a voice travels through the letter box. ‘I heard you were having a tough time Lisa, If it’s O.K I’ll pop by some times and just play guitar outside here when my shifts finished’.
I recognise his voice. It’s another John. The night porter from the hotel I’ve just been signed off from. He’s been learning guitar on his ‘breaks’ at work. We pass usually when he’s finishing and I’m about to start the breakfast shift. I can’t speak. That seems to be another part of this depression, I have times when words just aren’t there and speaking is just not possible. I’m so touched by this kind gesture. ‘I’ve left a coffee on the doorstep Lis, I’m going now and if you don’t want the coffee just leave it there, somebody else will clear it up. Go easy Lis’.
I hear his footsteps along the pavement outside as he heads off. ‘He’s left me a coffee? A warm feeling oozes through my body. The music as well as the non-intrusive kindness gifts me enough energy to take the 4 or 5 footsteps to the front door. There, on the doorstep is a coffee. I feel numb. I can’t get my head around such generosity of spirit. I spend the day lying lifeless in bed. At some point, my Dad and sister turn up. Dad shouts at me whilst my sister, clearly doing as she’s told, stands beside him. They stand at a distance as I open the front door dressed in my pyjamas. As if, coming too close will somehow, make them catch this depression. There isn’t much said. A short communication back and forth. Dad, being an army man, born in the 40’s and brought up on a seriously rough council estate, doesn’t understand. I know today, that his daughter being depressed must have been really frightening. At the time, his reaction hurt. He stands there, irritability is oozing out of him. With a raised voice he shouts ‘What’s this I hear about you being off work? You need to pull yourself together Lisa!’ I hadn’t told him. I knew what his reaction would be and didn’t feel I could handle it whilst I felt like this. ‘The Drs signed me off with depression Dad, I had a panic attack at work, I can’t do it anymore’. Loudly he says ‘What you going to do then? Lie around in bed all day, that’s not gonna help either is it? Crying now I respond ‘I don’t know what I’m gonna do, I can’t do this’. At this point my head feels like a ten-ton weight. Leaning into the door frame, I feel like I might slide down it. My head just isn’t working. A simple decision like do I want a cup of tea or coffee is too big a question these days let alone know what I’m going to do to get better. Dad shouts again, I can tell he’s hanging on to his temper by a thread ‘For God’s sake Lisa, it’s all in your head. Pull yourself together, stop bloody moping around, get dressed and sort yourself out!’ With that, he takes my silent sister by the arm and they walk off. I have enough energy to slam the door shut, hard!
Pacing the small living room I’m furious at him. ‘How dare he suggest this is all in my head? Does he think I like being like this? He hasn’t got a clue. I hate him! As quickly as the anger erupts it evaporates and I slump onto the edge of the sofa, rocking back and forth, head in hands. I feel frustrated, tired and totally alone. I feel like I’m being sucked into a black hole and there’s nothing I can do about it. The phone rings. I ignore it. I know who it is. They’ll have told Mum. The phone rings again. I answer it. ‘What’s this I hear about depression?’ ‘ The Dr signed me….’ ‘ You need to get yourself together. Moping around isn’t going to make it any better. Get yourself back to work. I haven’t got long, I don’t have much change, I’m heading into work, sort this out Lisa’. Putting down the phone I curl into the foetal position and sob whilst holding my head ‘No wonder I’m like this, some support! If I knew how to sort it out I would’ I collapse and sob. The sobbing eventually passes. I’m once again exhausted. Crawling back into bed, duvet over my head, my parents words repeat in my head. ‘Lying around in bed isn’t going to solve this’.
They’re right. I can’t just lie around. I can’t go off sick, how will I pay my rent? How can I work though? I just don’t have the energy. I don’t know what to do. ‘Life is so hard’. Perhaps an hour passes. It’s only about 7.30pm, it’s summer, the world is buzzing outside. A knock at the door intrudes upon the darkness. ‘Oh god, who’s that?’ I ignore it, they knock again. ‘Lisa, it’s Jon, I’ve got those books for you that I mentioned yesterday’. Oh god, I can’t ignore him now, he’s come all the way here just to give me those books. Dragging myself out of bed, hands attempting to smooth down my wild hair. It’s as if my hair is showing the world the crazy that’s going on inside my head. Opening the door, John strolls straight in, big grin, sparkly eyes. Tea? He says as he walks into the kitchen. I land down heavily on the sofa as if this is normal. A guy I met just yesterday, making me tea in my flat, whilst I’m slumped on the sofa in my pjs. ‘Sure’ I say as he turns on the kettle. Joining me on the sofa he hands me a green Waterstones bag. Without opening the bag, I try to give it back to him ‘These are new books, I thought you were lending me your books, I can’t take these’. Smiling widely ‘Well, they’re for you. They’re a gift, for you. You can’t give back a gift. Maybe one day you can pass them on. I really want you to have these books. I’m not going to stay long, just for a cuppa, then I’ll leave you in peace’. I feel uncomfortable with the generosity. Just like little John this morning playing guitar and gifting me coffee now here was another guy I don’t know gifting me books and making me tea. ‘Do you know John W?’ I ask. ‘Yeah, he’s a good friend of mine’. I told him of my morning wake up call. ‘You’re obviously a lovely person Lisa, you’ll be O.K. The powers that be are sending people your way for a reason. There’s more to life than what we can see you know?’
‘No, I don’t know’. ‘Maybe it’s just time for some changes in your life?’ ‘Yeah but what changes?’ ‘What have you always wanted to do?’ ‘No idea’. ‘Well maybe begin to think about what you might like to do, but for now, read those books and let me know what you think. We drink our tea, Jon takes the cups to wash them up and as he leaves he says ‘I’ll pop back in a couple of days’. I head back to bed, books in hand with a tiny glimmer of light in the depth of the darkness.
The sound of the gong reaches deep into my thoughts and carries me back to the pathway. Sweeping brush in hand, I’ve cleared the entire path and have no memory of doing it. ‘Mmmmm maybe 2 weeks here will be good for me. Clearly not good at this mindfulness stuff’.
Time for guided meditation. ‘Wonder if Godwin ever has a day off?’
Once everyone is settled Godwin speaks
‘The more we begin to concentrate the mind on one subject, the more the mind has the ability to stay, the more it has calmness. To have calmness we must learn how to not shake up the mind.
Mostly in life we experience big waves. Mostly in life we are moving from one thing to another. Wake to sleep. Day to night. Action to rest. We must give our minds a holiday. Most people will choose a beautiful place with perhaps dancing, a little or a lot of entertainment. Laying around maybe reading books or doing activities. The mind never gets a rest. If these same people chose a retreat, they would realise they’re mind is not calm. Their minds need a holiday.’
‘Oh my god he’s talking about me. My mind is never calm. Although until coming here I didn’t know my mind was constantly busy. Maybe I was alright not knowing that. MMM Although, I wonder if my mind is somehow linked with the panic attack, the anxiety and the depression. If I had a calm mind, if my mind has a holiday, would I still be depressed?’
Godwin continues:
‘Let us begin, as always, by following our structure. Find your seated position, you may close your eyes or have a soft relaxed gaze. Now, guide your awareness onto your breath. Breathe as it is. Do not change it. Accept it and observe it exactly as it is. Be aware of the whole breath. Notice that as you follow the journey of your whole breath how much deeper it may travel. How much softer it becomes. There’s an entire process of breath. Now, invite calmness into your breath. Be open to calmness being in your breath. Now, invite calmness into your whole body. Be open to calmness entering your body. Now, let’s do a body scan. Invite your awareness to your scalp and welcome calmness. It is O.K if calmness enters and it is O.K if calmness doesn’t. If calmness doesn’t come then we accept it and welcome the new experience. Now your forehead, notice any tension, invite in calmness, awareness to your eyebrows, cheeks, jaw, neck, shoulders, arms, wrists, hands, fingers, spine, hips, pelvis, bottom, thighs, knees, lower legs, ankles, feet, toes. Now, let’s invite our awareness, once again, onto our breath. Accepting it just the way it is. Just being aware of how you are breathing. Being aware of the whole journey of your breath. Invite in calmness and if calmness doesn’t come just accept and notice the different experience to calmness. Throughout this guided session, breathe in 1, breathe out 1, breathe in 2, breathe out 2. Invite your awareness to scan your body and invite in calmness. When your mind drifts, do not judge it. Notice it without judgment, aaaaah my mind is drifting and once again breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, invite calmness, accept calmness or accept a different experience, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…
‘I like this. My body feels the most relaxed it’s felt. Mind you I still haven’t been here 24 hours and I’ve done how many meditations, 7? 8? It’s interesting about not shaking the mind up to be able to have a calm mind. Made me think of a snow globe. I wonder what it’s like to have a mind that’s like a settled snow globe, just being still. Hahah well my mind now isn’t like that, with these thoughts it’s more like someone’s picked me up and is slowly moving me around. Mind you yesterday it would be like a 5 year old was using me as a rattle. Right now, there’s progress. Hahaha not while I’m thinking these thoughts. O.K, Godwin said not to judge, It’s just a different experience. Not good or bad just different. Let’s just go back to the breath. Breathe in 1, breathe out 1, breathe in 2, breathe out 2, breathe in 3, breathe out 3, breathe in 4, breathe out 4, breathe in 5, breathe out 5, breathe in 6, Oh my god I’ve never made it to 6! A rush of excitement races up through my core. Oh! This is the shaken snow globe, hahah My thought created an excited feeling and that shuck up the calmness of my mind, so let’s accept that, let go and breathe in 1, breathe out 1, breathe in 2, breathe out 2, breathe in, I can’t believe I got to 6!! Hahaha feels almost as good as that first full day on the island. I genuinely thought I’d died and woken up in heaven. I was O.K with it too. If that’s heaven and if heaven really does exist then I’ve visited it on earth already.
‘I slept alright in here’. Rolling to my right so that I can see Stu. I shout out ‘How did you all sleep?’ A few grunts answered me. Clive groans from his mosquito net tent. ‘That, is not comfortable. I’ve aged 40 years overnight. ‘Oh no, that’s not good’. Stu responds sleepily ‘I wonder if we’ll find food here today, I’m looking forward to checking out this forest. We need to find a water source too, that should be our priority this morning. Even if we ration strictly, we’re going to run out within a couple of days. The humidity here is high, 98 percent I think so whatever you do don’t get any cuts. They’ll never heal.’
It’s about 7am and already the day is warm bordering on hot. Yesterday afternoon it took less than 30 minutes for my money and passport to dry out after taking them for that impromptu swim.
‘I’m starting today in the sea. Look at that water! It’s like waking up in a postcard of a deserted tropical island.’ Feeling excited I Roll out of the hammock, grabbing my snorkel and mask I head towards the sea, Stu is close behind with his gear. ‘Maybe we’ll find fish for dinner, I can make a spear this afternoon’ Stu sounds excited at this thought. ‘MMM that kind of ruins my little mermaid Disney image, thanks for that Stu’. ‘Hahaha you’re not a vegetarian Lisa and you’ll be bored of them super noodles soon enough’.
There’s barely any movement in the ocean. It’s more like a lake than the sea. Coming from Cornwall with its crashing waves and awesome surf breaks, this is vastly different. Snorkel, mask and flippers on, we’re off. Wow….just wow!! 10 metres from the shore is the most vibrantly coloured coral. It’s alive under here! This really is like being in a Walt Disney movie. Purples, pinks, yellows, every colour and hue. I’ve only ever seen white coral. I had no idea coral could be so vibrant! The plant life under here is magnificent. I feel light and free as I swim with the real life fish out of the Little mermaid movie. I can’t believe I’m here. Thank you so much life for this experience. Thankyou so so much.