Sri Lanka Part 6 – Whats the point?

Sri Lanka part 6 –  Whats the point?

The rhythmic, sonorous sound of the 4.30am gong, reverberates its way into my fitful sleep. ‘Eugh! That has to be 1 of the longest nights of my life.’ I don’t want to get up. I don’t want my first full day here to start but I don’t want to stay in this concrete bed a second longer either. I feel stiffer than an old corpse that’s been left, freezing, in a morgue. ‘I must have slept a bit though, cause that gong woke me up.’  Eyes heavy and half closed I can see its still dark. Reaching to my forehead for the headtorch that’s been in place all night, I’m apprehensive to turn it on. Internally stretching out my ears, I search for sounds. ‘Eugh, I don’t want to wake the cockroaches. I can’t hear them flying. Wherever they are, they’re resting. Will they wake up if I turn the torch on? If I don’t turn the torch on, I’m not going to see where they are’. Holding my breath, closing my eyes tightly, I hesitantly turn on the torch. I let my ears work out if the cockroaches have seen the light.  ‘I can’t hear anything, no fluttering of wings like last night’. Sleeping bag pulled up to my face, I half open my eyes. The only muscles I move are those behind my eye balls. Scanning every inch of the room as best I can. I can’t see them. Feeling a little braver, I noiselessly sit up under the mozzi net. Resting on my elbows, I crane my neck for full view of the floor beneath me. Nope, can’t see them. Carefully, I untuck just enough of the fabric from underneath the mattress, so that I can slither out underneath it. Stepping out of the safety of the mozzi net brings on a body shiver. ‘Brrrrr, where are they? I wonder if they’ve settled into my piles of clothes?’ After an uncomfortable, fearful night’s sleep, I’m even more on edge. Stretching my right arm as far as it will reach, whilst remaining as far away from the spare bed as possible, I pull the leg of my baggy trousers over to me. On tiptoes now, ensuring I take up as little floor space as possible, arm still outstretched as far away from me as it can be, I give them a little shake: ‘Phew, they’re not in there’ Hastily pulling them on over my leggings the next item is the jumper. Same breath holding tiptoe movement and ‘Nope, not in there’, Next is the blanket, ‘nope not in there, well where the bloody hell are they?’ My bodies involuntarily shaking off imaginary creepy crawlies so I loosely carry the blanket rather than draping it around my shoulders. It’s a relief to leave the grey cell behind. I feel heavy this morning. I’m still mostly asleep for sure but my bodies weighty. Head down, shoulders hunched with a slight drag in the heels of my sock filled sandals I make my way to the meditation hall. I haven’t done my teeth or had a morning wash. I can’t bear the thought of standing at that metal sink in the cold darkness.  The hall’s dark with a few lit candles. I like that it’s still dark. It compliments my mood. I just want to hide. Finding my seat, I notice Miss Perfect sat, well, perfectly. A couple of others are stretching as they manoeuvre into meditative position. Godwin is sat at the front, composed and collected. The monks look serene. For some reason this annoys me. Not massively but enough for an eye roll and a bit of a huff. The rest of the students look like they’ve been settled a while. He rings a small bell 3 times as the clock strikes 4.30am. ‘Here we go again’ I think as I slump against the back of the wall. I hear Godwins instruction: ‘Invite your awareness onto your breath. Just notice it. Counting in 1 counting out 1. Always coming back to the 1^st breath when your awareness recognises you’ve been carried away with those thoughts. Accept it and begin to count again. Breathing in 1 breathing out 1.’  ‘Here we go, Breathe in 1, breathe out 1, breathe in 2, breathe out 2, breathe in 3, breathe out 3, breathe in 4, breathe out 4, breathe in. Hang on, what number am I on? Did I get to 5? Maybe I didn’t even get to 3. Oh this sucks. 13 days to go but oh my god they are going to be the loooooongest slowesssst days ever! Here 1 minute seems like an hour. This is soooooo boring even when I’m tired’. That whiny young child voice of mine is back already. Above the elbow of my left arm, I notice the beginnings of an itch. I hear Godwins voice from yesterday repeat in my head. ‘Watch the itch. Be curious about the itch. You are not the itch. What makes an itch an itch?’ ‘MMMM C’mon then, let’s have a look at this itch’. With eyes still closed, I allow my awareness to drift towards the home of the itch. I imagine that I’m ‘watching’ the itch do its thing. ‘O.K itch, what makes you an itch?’ F##k this, the fact you’re itchy makes you an itch!’. I start to scratch the annoying tickle. ‘I’m no good at this! I can’t do this’. Thoughts fly through my head like the noisiest and most varied firework show ever seen. Absolutely relentless. ‘Uuuuugh there’s nowhere for me to run, it’s all going on in my own head and it’s so frickin loud. Since when did thoughts become so deafening. ‘I can’t do this; I’ve got to get out of here’. Opening my eyes and sighing loudly my attention is drawn along the row of people to my left side. My gaze stops at the tall monk that greeted me at the entrance. I sit and stare at him for a while. ‘What’s a tall Aussie doing being a monk? What makes people want to do this forever? What is a monk anyway? Do they just sit around all day being still with their eyes closed? Why? Why are we doing this? It’s not like I can speak to ask any questions. I’m going to leave here no wiser than when I walked in. What’s the point of all this?’ My eyes rest on the Aussie monk for a while longer. At some point, I go back to closing my eyes. The internal bitching and scratching of my itches begin again. ‘God my voice is so whiny!’  Godwin’s serene voice permeates the external silence, while momentarily carrying the gift of distraction from my internal chatter. ‘I know my thinking is loud but it’s like this guy can hear everything that’s going on in my head’. It’s not the first time I’ve had this thought in the short time I’ve been here. He repeats some of what he said yesterday;

‘Meditation is the effort to understand how the mind and body work. Thereby eliminating the suffering created by oneself’. Huffily I think ‘Suffering created by me? I create my own suffering? I don’t think so. I didn’t make all those shit things happen in my life’. Godwin continues: ‘Samatha meditation is concentration meditation. The mind becomes concentrated. When the mind becomes concentrated the five hindrances known as: Sensual desire, aversion, sloth and torpor, restlessness and remorse and doubt get subdued temporarily. This results in a calmness. One is better able to face life’s problems. When hindrances arise, they can be noticed.

‘Well, inner calmness is something I definitely don’t have right now! I’ve never felt so irritated in my life’. Even Godwins gentle voice is annoying me this morning. Looking up at the clock I see it’s still only 5am! I can’t be bothered to hide my frustration today and it’s not even morning yet! Godwin interrupts my useful thinking again:

‘Samatha meditation develops awareness, Vipassana meditation develops wisdom. Vipassana is to realise the selfless, impermanent and unsatisfactory nature of the 5 hindrances. The hindrances are subdued in Samatha. Tranquillity is developed with Samatha and with Vipassana one realises deep within that everything is empty. This brings forth a deep silence, which does not get shaken when facing the vicissitudes of life. The benefits of Samatha are temporary, the benefits of Vipassana are permanent.

Meditation helps us to develop awareness and wisdom. A way to describe this would be to say: Imagine for a moment a surgeon in a hospital.  Awareness is knowing where the tumour is (Very important) Removing the tumour can be described as wisdom (also very important). Meditation helps you to develop both of these. Now, let us practice Samatha. Breathe in 1, breathe out 1, breathe in 2, breathe out 2, breathe in 3, breathe out 3, breathe in 4, breathe out 4, breathe in 5, breathe out 5’.

‘I feel calmer now, thank god for that, wow my shoulders were so tight’. I move them around, slowly releasing the tension further. Taking a long slow breath, I decide to alter my sloth like position and make an effort: Legs crossed with a couple of cushions under each knee for support. Back straight with muscles relaxed. Tail bone in but soft. Head straight while imagining my neck muscles softening. ‘Wonder if he’s psychic? Weird how he answers my thoughts. I’ve always been pretty interested in how the mind and body work, how random that I’d end up here.  I wish I could just stop thinking though. Thinking is exhausting. I wonder if that’s why us humans have radios on and T.Vs. I wonder if that’s why we spend so much time reading fiction or trashy magasines. It’s a total distraction from our thinking. I wonder if my thinking has always been this loud and chaotic it’s just, I’ve never taken the time to check in with my mind. I like the idea of an inner calm, I think, or would an inner calm be boring? Have I ever felt an inner calm?’

Straight away my mind delivers the scene of me swinging in my silk hammock in the Andaman Islands. Crystal clear water lapping to the right of me over almost white sand. A warm breeze caressing my salty skin as the heat of the sun massages every muscle and bone in my body. ‘Yeah, I’ve felt inner calm and yeah I’d like more of that.’

‘Breathe in 1, breathe out 1, breathe in 2, breathe out 2, he also said don’t change my breath, didn’t he? Just watch it and count it as it is. Something to do with accepting it? Ha, that inner calm I felt soon disappeared when I realised we had no idea how we were getting off that island.’

‘Guys’ I say loudly enough for them all to hear as I half sit up leaning over the side of the hammock. ‘I’ve just had a thought. Have any of you considered how we’re gonna get off this island? It doesn’t look like anyone else is here’. I watch as they all begin to slow down in what they’re doing. Clive, who up until now, hasn’t made a sound as far as I recall. Not on the boat trip over here or the setting up of ‘camp’. In fact, I only know his name because one of the others told me. He lets go of his mosquito net (He’s attempting to set this up as a tent!?) and rises to a standing position. His knee length checked shorts falling from his slender frame, his face, naturally, quite serious looking. Placing his hands on his slender hips, his head starts to move from side to side. Very much like dogs do when they’re really listening. Then he releases a throaty chuckle. By the 3^rd or 4^th chuckle there’s some slight shoulder action going on. It begins to build in the same way an orchestra creates its ensemble: Gentle, slow, a few touches of silence in between. Then, just as a composer invites more strings and bass to add a fuller, a rounder more enriching sound, so too, does Clives laughter. Those slight shoulder raises are more prominent as his laughter surges from a much deeper place. The rest of us are starting to smile, a couple of us, letting out the odd giggle. ‘How stupid are we? Says Clive, while building up to a full on belly laugh. His face is now red, and not from sun burn (yet). The realisation of our stupidity now seems hilarious. We’re all now fully involved, playing our part in this orchestral laughing session. Building up to our own crescendos, until eventually, together, we slow down, worn out. Clive slumps down on the sand. You’ve got a point Lisa, why haven’t any of us thought of this?’ Debbie answers ‘I don’t really think I truly believed that deserted islands existed. I mean, c’mon, how is this place real?’ I’m on par with Debbie. This is way above and beyond even my imagination. Sensible Stu chimes in ‘Well, there’s nothing we can do about it now and night will be here soon. We can talk more about it later or tomorrow but for now has everyone got food for tonight?’ Everyone nods a yes. ‘We can take a look around tomorrow and see if we can find food in the forest. Let’s get prepped for dark. Make sure you know where everything is, have your torches handy’. Stu’s done a bit of camping before. In fact, he looks like he could live in the wild. Shoulder length scraggy blonde hair, broad shouldered. In fact, he’s quite fit. Me? I did Duke of Edinburgh in senior school for 2 nights I think. Didn’t even complete the silver. Couldn’t read a map or figure out how to use a compass. Hated being cold and wet and can’t cook indoors let alone out. Decided camping wasn’t for me. The universe has clearly forgotten this in its plan of delivering me here.

Darkness arrives as quickly as if the sky is on a dimmer switch. Rapidly turning from full beam to off. No lingering sunset here. Light, then dark. The night air feels fresh against my skin. The stars that shine a little later on sparkle so brightly I feel I must be in a dream. It’s like they’re alive up there. Thousands of bright twinkles pirouetting through the blackness. I’ve never experienced a night sky like this. I feel truly blessed. ‘This is what the word blessed feels like. I’ve never felt this before’. Having never eaten chicken super noodles, I’m pleasantly surprised when I find myself quite enjoying them. ‘They’re alright, I can eat these’ I say as I finish off my bowl full. Stu laughs ‘Let’s see if you’re saying that after a week of them for breakfast lunch and dinner.’ Washing up in the shallows of the sea, I shed a few silent tears as I thank the sky or the universe or whatever is out there for this experience. The feeling of profound gratitude brings me to tears. ‘What an absolute gift to feel this feeling, I can’t believe I’m here, I just can’t believe it’. I feel a warmth and a softness in every part of my being’. I look behind and see the others sat around the fire. ‘It’s mad, I didn’t even know these people existed 4 months ago and now I’m here in this insane place with them. This is mental. Thankyou life, thankyou so much.’ My Gaze drifts back onto the ocean. As the waves lap peacefully against the shore, they bring with them a memory. It’s a couple of days after the Dr told me I’m signed off work with depression and stress. I’d been to the pub the night before. My flat mate and a couple of other friends said it was the best thing for me. ‘Let’s get pissed they said. That’ll sort you out’. I really didn’t feel like it but went anyway. The word no, not being a part of my vocabulary. It was better than sitting in the flat on my own. That night there was a guy stood at the bar that all of my friends acknowledged but I’d never met. He had an amazing smile that reached the corners of his shining eyes. I wasn’t in the mood for talking much so may have said hello. The following day, I was dragging myself through town, having finally summoned the energy to go buy a pint of milk. I was about to cut through the shortcut for home, when the white toothed, smiley guy walked past me.  Using his forefingers on both hands, he created the shape of the letter T. ‘Tea?’ I questioned as I continued to walk past him. ‘Yes please’ he said, turned around and started walking alongside me. My brain slightly kerfuffled, I say to him ‘You’re coming to mine for tea?’ ‘Yeah, why not?’ ‘Erm, I don’t know why not, sure, O.K, c’mon then’. We walk into mine less than 5 minutes later and my flat mate gives me a look of ‘What’s he doing here?’ I just shrug my shoulders. I’ve no clue what he’s doing here. Leaning against the kitchen worktop, I switch the kettle on and watch as it boils, as you do (!?) Out of my mouth comes ‘You know of any good books to read?’ ‘Books?’ he says. I’m feeling as confused as his response sounds. ‘Why the hell did I just ask him that?’ ‘Yeah’ I hear myself say ‘I feel like I need something new, something I’ve never read before, I just need something, erm, something different’. Tea now brewing he says ‘You ever read The Tao of Pooh?’ ‘The what?’ ‘It’s spelt Tao but pronounced Dao. It’s a Chinese philosophy on life.’ I felt something stir deep inside me, deep down in my core. Not much of a stir, but enough for me to notice. ‘Never heard of it, I like the sound of it. I’m off work at the minute, will they have it in the library do you think?’. ‘I’ll bring it round for you tomorrow’ he says. We speak about why I’m off work and he asks if I’ve ever experienced reiki. ‘Never heard of it, what’s that?’ ‘It’s healing energy with hands, it might do you some good’. ‘Maybe’. He doesn’t hang around long but the conversation stirs something in me. Like a tiny flicker of light has come on in the depth of the darkness. It’s not very bright, it’s really quite dull, but it’s there. ‘That was a random experience’ and I make my way back to the safety of my bedroom, slump back into the comfort of my bed. ‘Depression is heavy, I can’t be arsed to do anything’ I think, as I pull the duvet up over my head. Bed’s the only place I’m even remotely alright.

‘Lisa, are you alright down there?’ Debbies voice interrupts the memory.

‘Yes, thank you, I’m coming now.’ Tearing my gaze away from the ocean, I start making my way up to join the others by the fire when I hear a sound. I’ve no idea how to describe it other than it sent trembles of fear through my body. ‘Oh my god what is that? Oooooohhh It’s coming from above, Oh my god it’s coming towards me, oh dear god its getting nearer! Aghhhhhhhhhh!!!! I start running as fast as I can.