blog 5

Wales, the horror that is the M62 and true friendship

 

According to google maps the drive from St David’s to my friends’ farm in York will take 6 hours. I tell Janet via message that I will be at least 8 hours and likely 10. I want to soak in the Welsh views and stop to swim as and when.

My mind and body are happy to be knowing where we are going. My muscles are relaxed, I feel calm and my mind is at peace. It gets me to thinking about how marketers utilise the knowledge that as human beings we like to know where we’re going and what we’re getting. We like a guarantee and a time scale and I realise that this is one way we have lost touch with our instincts. Our internal life sat navs. Politicians and marketers, T.V, newspapers, magazines and radio all serve to subliminally tell us how to think and how to be, so that we no longer need to tap into our internal guidance. They encourage us to think they know best, our internal sat navs are dulled and quietened down.

As this is a long drive, I settle into it and have plenty of time to think. I set out on this trip to purposely live in the ‘I don’t know’ in the ‘grey’ of life and so far, it’s been interesting observing my thinking, my body responses and how unsettling this is. Its very tiring, not knowing where I’m going to be sleeping each night and definitely stressful. I begin to ponder about the stress levels of the homeless people in our country. How tough their lives are. I’ve learnt since thinking about them, that in the last 5 years’ core homelessness has been rising year on year, reaching it’s peak just before the pandemic when the numbers of homeless households jumped from 207,600 in 2018 to over 219,000 at the end of 2019. I read on the same Crisis website that the average age of death for homeless people is 45 for men and 43 for women. What happened in our country to make homelessness jump by 12,000 cases in 1 single year between 2018 and 2019?

I have had a taste of homelessness myself many moons ago, through no fault of mine or my families. Simply poor wages that didn’t equate to me being able to save for a deposit. I remember experiencing all sorts of emotions; Shame being a dominating one, as if somehow, I was at fault, that there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t figure out how to get a deposit together to rent a room or flat.  If I could ask only 1 thing of all of you that read this, it would be to help at least 1 other person, lift any pre judgments they may have around people that are homeless. Homelessness and poverty are not a person’s fault. Many people end up turning to alcohol and drugs once living on the streets to help numb the fear of sleeping rough each night. I wonder about how I might be able to help the charities that work with the homeless.

The drive up around the coast of Wales is stunning and blended with the mountainous inland views my breath is taken away and my mouth is a gasp multiple times. I find the energy incredibly grounding. There is something about being among mountains that makes me feel safe. Almost like the universe is giving me a big safe hug. We stop on 3 different occasions to swim and each time we end up chatting with people. I think the fact Izzy and I swim together draws attention and that she is clearly very happy as she wags her tail whilst doggy paddling out to sea. I’m definitely not lonely on this trip. Friends have asked when they’ve called if I’m ready for some company and my response is that I haven’t been without company. It’s also rare that I instigate a conservation. Izzy and I seem to attract people wherever we go.

I love driving without a time schedule. It leaves me free to stop and admire views without looking at my watch and stop and have a leisurely coffee or swim. It takes the pressure off, not having to look at a watch. My friends (and I’m fortunate to still have friends from the last 20 plus years) are understanding of how I dislike too much planning, of how I usually add an ‘ish’ when I say what time I’m arriving. ‘I’ll be there 9ish, give or take an hour or 2’. If it’s my turn to organise something they know I’ll do it but that it will be done at the last possible moment. I’m also terrible at remembering Birthdays. I’m good to have around in a crisis though or if they need a listening ear or some support and encouragement.  It’s funny, most of my closest friends are supremely organised people, they like to plan ahead, to schedule and they like to know what is happening and when. To have these lovely ladies as friends gets me to thinking that I must have those traits in me too. We attract what we are right?

Driving towards Janets’ in Yorkshire I begin thinking about our friendship. We first met in Tenerife when we shared a house together back in 2000 with another friend Kelly. I was a singer back then and the 3 of us were a force of fun. I could write a book about our times together and may well touch more on our antics in time to come, but for now I’d really like to share what I admire about Janet. Life can, and has thrown her, some seriously challenging experiences. Although her life story is not mine to tell, I can say that this amazing woman, consistently picks herself up and keeps moving forward. She has an admirable ability to forgive as well as this ability to find the silver lining in the most horrendous experiences. Her inner strength shines as strong as a full moon and these qualities can only be developed from lessons learnt, painful experiences gained, and a forward-facing approach. Janet was the first person to really give me the confidence to be fully me. To really embed in me that other people’s opinions shouldn’t impact my decisions. It is said in most spiritual/religious texts that we should not judge thy neighbour and that our spiritual teachers come along in all guises. Janet is absolutely one of my spiritual teachers and came along in the year 2,000 dressed with phenomenal fake boobs, short skirt, bleached blonde hair and swore, quite literally, every third word whilst smoking like a steam train stoked for a long journey. (She still swears….a lot!)

We appear very different yet our love of the truth, our search for spiritual connection, our belief in an energy outside and within ourselves as well as a belief that everything happens for a reason connects us. We say it as it is, respect each other’s differences and cheer each other on in our decisions.

Less than a year ago, when the world was in complete lock down, Janet called me to tell me her son had died. It makes me want to cry now, just writing this. As I’m joining the M52 motorway l’m remembering the call. I haven’t seen her, in person, since this call and I’m aware that the year anniversary as well his Birthday are coming up in the next few weeks. I feel strongly that I want to see her before the year anniversary. Having experienced some traumatic deaths of people I love, I know first hand how challenging the first anniversary can be.  I can’t imagine what it must be like when the anniversary is for the death of one of your children. I attended the funeral via zoom and it is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Watching somebody I love experience most people’s worst nightmares and I’m on the other end of a computer screen.

My mind is snapped back into the present as I land upon the M62. It’s like I’ve gone from taking a peaceful walk along a quiet country lane to suddenly finding myself in the busiest fastest running race that ever existed. It takes me a minute to take in the lanes of traffic speeding by as well as the sounds of the horns beeping as they whizz pass. I’m shocked back into the present as if I’ve been defibrillated back to life and my senses are wide awake and on full alert! Now, the weather has been and is still roasting hot. I’ve been driving along for hours with the windows wide open. I’m wearing a bandeau sleeveless dress which is lifted up over my bigger than Bridget Jones knickers (I kid you not, Bridget Jones has nothing on these super comfy M&S full briefs). At the beginning of this long drive my thinking is I may as well focus on the positives and get a tan whilst driving. I’ve been driving like this for hours so am totally oblivious to the fact that now that I’m on a motorway, I have vehicles either side of me, some of which are much larger than I so can see straight into the van. I don’t like driving on motorways at the best of times but in the van I have I really dislike it. It’s not very pokey and pulling out to overtake is scary. If the road decides to suddenly gain an incline my speed seriously declines. Cars and lorries are now beeping and flashing at me and I’m scared. It’s as if Mindful Lisa thinks sods this and flies off back to the quiet country lanes leaving in her place the terrified fear filled Lisa that also lives within. I start swearing, I’m holding the steering wheel for dear life and am so tense I swear my neck and shoulder muscles are going to snap, I’m dripping in sweat and trying my hardest to keep breathing whilst attempting to get back in the slow lane. I make it and feel like I’ve just done the downward drop of a rollercoaster ride and am now back on the flat, for a while.

I’ve equalised my breath, my temperature feels normal and the handsfree rings, its Janet.

‘Hey Jan, this M62 is bloody horrendous, I don’t like it at all, I can’t speak for long I need to concentrate are you alright?’

I can tell Janet hasn’t heard me ‘Lis, are you still coming?’

‘Yeah Jan, I’m on my way’

‘My brothers dead’

‘Who you with?’

‘I’m on me own’

‘Jan, I’m on the M62, I can’t talk now, I’m on my way and I’ll be there as soon as traffic allows’.

‘O.K’

Honestly, the first sentence out of my mouth, out loud to the universe is;

‘F##k, how much can one woman take?’

The 2^nd is

‘Thankyou for guiding me to her’

Approximately 60 seconds later an onslaught of beeping occurs to my right. If like me, you come from a smallish place, when somebody beeps, it tends to be someone you know. It’s an automatic response to wave, so I wave and look to my right. It takes a second or 2 for me to realise I don’t know this person; remember I’m driving on the crazy motorway and notice that the man in the car is blowing me kisses and gesturing for me to pull over. What the f##k?

My poor heart accelerates faster than the van can move and the guy in the car pulls in front of me and drops his speed to 40mph. It’s at this point that I realise my Bridget Jonesies are on full display and my shoulders are bare. I genuinely am scared. The inner dialogue goes something like this (I invite you to practice non Judgment whilst reading this);

‘O.k cover your pants and do your window up’ – tick

‘Oh my god what a d##k head that guy is for thinking he can pull on a motorway’

‘You do not have the luxury to panic right now so calm your breathing’ – I begin to breathe deep into my tummy and slow the breath down on the outbreath.

‘What the f##k am I going to do? if I overtake and he speeds up I could get stuck driving alongside him’

‘Relax your shoulders a little Lisa’

‘40mph seriously? Oh I don’t like this’

‘O.K breathe, relax and overtake the guy’

Completely ignoring that last sentence, I hold my breath, grip the steering wheel, tense and pull out into the adjacent lane passing the guy whilst making sure not to look at him and repeating in my head ‘please let me get past, please let me get past’. As soon as I’m passed he pulls out and drives alongside me, beeping and blowing kisses again (I’m now only looking out of my peripheral vision). I feel like I’m going to be sick with fear. In a split second I realise he can’t see into the back of my van and I began to have a conversation with an imaginary person, using the odd raising of the hand as I do in speech and laughing and looking as if I’m answering and asking questions. He pulls away and disappears down the motorway out of sight. I’m exhausted, I never want to see the M62 again and I want this journey over with. I just want to get to Janet and give her a big hug.

Driving into Yorkshire is a breath of fresh air, its beautiful to experience green space again. I’m a little nervous of getting to the farm as I know there are 7 other dogs there. 1 of those 7 is Janets’ new puppy Ruby and the other 6 belong to the lady that manages the farm. Izzy is a Jack Russel and true to her nature can be snappy, especially with bigger dogs. She is also a dominant bitch. She is used to being a leader of packs and I’m apprehensive as to how she is going to be with 7 other dogs, 2 of which are large bitches. A female German Shepheard and a female Husky. The last thing Janet needs is tension after the news she’s received.

Janet comes to lead us onto the farm, we give each other a huge hug, it’s so good to be with her and we drive in convoy to her place on this beautiful 100 acre Yorkshire farm. On entering Janets home, Jan’s gorgeous new puppy Ruby is bouncing with welcoming vibes. She clearly thinks Izzy has come along to be her new friend. Izzy on the other hand introduces herself by growling the beautiful Ruby into submission, proceeds to pee on the carpet next to Rubys toys then pees on the carpet next to Ruby’s bed and scoffs all of Ruby’s biscuits that she’s left in her food bowl. I’m horrified! ‘Oh my god, I am so sorry Jan, this is the last thing you need, you got a cloth?’ True Jan style ‘Don’t worry about it, she’s just making herself at home’.

We decide to take all of the dogs for a walk together in the hope that they figure themselves out so we don’t have to worry about it. Again, I am amazed by Janet’s coping skills. A couple of hours ago she gets the devastating call about her brother and is still able, in the depth of her sadness and shock, to be in the present moment and walk all of the dogs together and ask how our trip has been so far.

Long and short is, Izzy is a bloomin nightmare, the husky is obsessed with her and Izzy isn’t happy about it. She nips the ear of the chihuahua and draws blood, she snaps continuously at the lovely old lady German Shepheard, she doesn’t like the Pomeranian and poor puppy Ruby is realising this old Jack Russel may not be the new best friend she first thought she was. I am mortified. They say dogs are like their humans, but honestly, I really struggle to relate to Izzy’s behaviour.

Janet and I eat a late dinner, chat and decide that during my time with her we will do a trip down memory lane for Janet. We will visit all of the parts of Yorkshire where she and her family grew up. We will visit the places her and her brother visited together when he arrived last year and we will go the church where generations of her family lay. It feels right that I’ve landed here (maybe not for the poor farm pooches that have to put up with a grumpy fearful Izzy) but definitely for me, and when we visit the 18^th century church and I have a profound spiritual experience I know that once again, the universe has brought me to just where I’m meant to be.

To be continued……..